


So beyond in love

by JenJo



Category: Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe, FTM Tony, M/M, Supportive Avengers, Trans Tony Stark, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-08 17:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 6,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12869817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenJo/pseuds/JenJo
Summary: Natasha Stark had worn suits plenty of times in her life. Being a figure in the public eye, she had often donned a suit. Sometimes it was done for no reason other than it was comfortable, or it looked good.Natasha Stark had never had a problem wearing a suit.Tony Stark struggled to do up the buttons on his first suit.





	1. Buttons

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mitochondrials](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitochondrials/gifts).



> For mitochondrials, who originally gave me the idea for this work.
> 
> Unfortunately, I lost the final version of this fic, and was left with only my draft. This came at a time in my life where I just could not devote the time to re-writing the finished version. So if you're reading this and it feels incomplete, that is why.
> 
> The wonderful art from Beir & Kam has to be seen though, and I apologise for depriving the world of the wonderful art for so long.
> 
> I hope to come back to this fic and add in the clearly missing scenes one day. 
> 
> Again, my sincerest apologies for delaying the art.

Natasha Stark had worn suits plenty of times in her life. Being a figure in the public eye, she had often donned a suit. Sometimes it was done for no reason other than it was comfortable, or it looked good. 

Natasha Stark had never had a problem wearing a suit.

Tony Stark struggled to do up the buttons on his first suit. 

It fit him perfectly, of course it did. Jan always made the most perfect clothes. 

The pants and jacket were black, and had the ability to catch the light in distractingly wonderful ways. The vest was a slightly different shade, but no less appealing. The shirt was red, a shade which had been dubbed ‘Iron Man red’. Jan had asked him if that was okay;  _ of course,  _ he had replied. The buttons were gold, in no way subtle. Today was not about subtlety. 

The suit was perfect in every possible way.

It wasn’t the suit that was making it difficult to do up the buttons.

Tony’s shaking hands were making the buttons almost impossible to slide into place. So he stopped, letting the vest remain open. He sat down on his bed, closing his eyes against the tears.

He had come a long way; he wasn’t going to let six buttons stop him.


	2. Art!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by Kamaete.


	3. "Do the media ever get tired of you?"

“Natasha Stark. Thirty seven. CEO of Stark International, a feature of every rich list since the age of twenty one. Everything you touch seems to turn to gold. So tell us: what’s your secret?”

Natasha smiled easily, posture open for the audience. “Sheer dumb luck?” She turned to wave at the audience, acknowledging their laughter. “Yes, it is quite easy to put my good fortunes down to luck. But I've worked hard to get to where i am, and the results speak for themselves.”

The interviewer, Christine Everhart,  laughed along with everyone, though Natasha wasn’t convinced by her smile. Christine’s next words confirmed her suspicions. “You haven’t been without your share of controversies though, have you?”

Natasha shrugged a shoulder, moving back to facing Christine. “You’d know better than me.”

Christine lifted a hand, trying to seem natural. “Your rise to power was seen as a risky move by the media. In-”

Natasha cut her off, not wanting to hear the rest of that sentence. “I was the one named in Howard Stark’s will, wasn’t I?”

Christine didn’t even  _ blink  _ at the interruption, taking it in her stride. “Obadiah Stane did such an excellent job in the interim, there were those unwilling to let you have the keys to the kingdom when you became of age.”

“And it turned out that Stane was selling weapons under the table, and was behind my kidnapping and torture.” Natasha shook her head, lifting up both of her hands. “But sure, let’s suggest that he was a good choice for CEO.”

Christine shifted her notes, looking almost apologetic. “I didn’t mean to offend.”

“Of course not, you’re fishing for a story. This isn’t my first interview.”

“Nor mine.”

The two stared at each other, each waiting for the other to make the move. Christine must have gotten orders over an earpiece, because she was the first to blink.

Christine turned to the camera, smile trying to be apologetic. “Looks like that’s all we’ve got time for today. Natasha Stark, everyone.”

 

~

 

“Do the media  _ ever  _ get tired of you?” Steve asked, expression relaxing as he turned to face Natasha.

“Never,” both Natasha and Jan answered at the same time. Natasha gave Steve a smile. “Don’t worry about it; I’m sure you have some experience with what the media can do to a person.”

“Which is why i don’t like how they’re treating you.”

Natasha waved a hand, leaning back on Bucky’s shoulder. “Don’t be, Steve. I’ve walked that line since I could talk. It’s fine.”

Bucky turned to press a kiss to the top of Natasha’s head. “It’s a terrible system, and you shouldn’t be so accepting, is what I think he’s getting at.”

Natasha shrugged, closing her eyes. “Bucky, I love you and value your opinions. But this is one battle I chose to stop fighting a long long time ago.”

“But I can still remember how that music used to make me smile.”

Natasha laughed, poking Bucky’s side. “Clint, stop teaching Bucky songs.”

Natasha felt the popcorn bounce slightly off the side of her head. “Never, Stark. Someone’s gotta compensate for your terrible taste.”

“Bucky, defend me.”

Bucky chuckled. “Nah, you’re on your own here darling. I  _ like  _ Clint’s taste in music.”

Natasha sat up, giving Bucky a hurt expression. “Ouch, babe. Just ouch. Hurts me, right here,” Natasha tapped on the arc reactor. Bucky laughed, reaching out to take Natasha’s hand.

“You’re not  _ really  _ worried, are you?”

Natasha shook her head, squeezing Bucky’s hand. “Nah, be friends with Clint. I only question your tastes.”

“Hey!”

“You question  _ my  _ tastes?” Bucky asked, ignoring Clint for the moment. “Really?”

Natasha was about to reply, when the Avengers alarm went off. Instantly, the room jumped to action; each member running to get ready.

Before separating, Natasha and Bucky shared a kiss.

“See you soon?” Bucky asked, pulling back.

Natasha smiled, performing her hand movements to call the Iron Man armour to her. “Of course. Someone’s got to have your back.”

Bucky nodded, turning and running to the armoury as Natasha armoured up.


	4. "so beyond in love"

Natasha was thirty seven years old, closer to thirty eight if you wanted to be technical. If you listened to the media, she was too old to be single. Luckily for her, Natasha had never bothered to put much stock into what the media thought of her. 

“Single”, they labelled her. Because apparently being in a long term relationship that didn’t result in marriage was “single”.

She and Bucky had been together for five years now, had been friends for ten. It wasn’t like they were subtle about it either; “ _ so beyond in love _ ” was how Jan described them. 

So yes, Natasha was  _ happily single,  _ thank you for asking. If you’re going to ignore the facts, then Natasha wasn’t going to waste her time on you.

(Every minute of her time was worth three hundred and twenty seven thousand, four hundred and sixty two dollars. Apparently.)

At almost thirty eight, Natasha thought she had everything sorted out. She had a job, she had her man, she had her save-the-world family; she thought she had everything. 

Apparently not. At some point, Natasha would stop assuming her life had stopped throwing new things at her.

This was not that time. 

 

~

 

It wasn’t something that had been known from a young age. In all honesty, Natasha was sure that she was too old to be questioning her gender identity. 

But here she was, staring at herself in her bathroom mirror, shaking her head.

Or was it his head?  _ My  _ head? Natasha frowned at the mirror, raising a hand to rub at an eye.

“This is confusing,” Natasha muttered, smearing the mascara that hadn’t been removed the previous night. 

_ The previous night, when my world wasn’t quite so confusing. _


	5. That confusing life of mine

“Here you go Natasha.”

Natasha blinked at Bucky’s voice, shaking her head to clear the confusion. She hadn’t heard Bucky approach, nor did she know he had been bringing her a coffee. 

_ I can usually smell coffee a mile away,  _ two  _ miles if Bucky’s the one holding it. _

“Sorry,” Natasha apologised, pasting a smile on her face as she reached out for the mug that Bucky had placed in front of her. “I was lost in my own thoughts.”

“I figured,” Bucky had a smile on his face, like he always did when looking at Natasha. “Anything worth sharing?”

_ Oh, only that I’m questioning my entire life’s existence right now. _

“Nope.”

“Fair enough.” Bucky took a sip of his coffee, still watching Natasha. “I thought we could watch a movie tonight? You, me, the couch.”

“I’ll probably fall asleep. I haven’t slept in… a while.”

“I know, which is why I suggested the couch,” Bucky smiled, reaching out to hold Natasha’s hand. “Gotta look after my girl.”

Natasha could not explain to you  _ why  _ she reacted the way she did to that word. She couldn’t explain it to herself. But when Bucky said  _ girl _ , Natasha snatched her hand back, like Bucky’s words had burnt her.

Bucky was confused by the reaction. “What’s the matter?”

Natasha stood up, shaking her head, smile pasted in place. “Nothing! Just…  _ really  _ tired, is all. Think I’ll get an early night. See you tomorrow!”

“But it’s four pm,” Natasha heard Bucky mutter to himself. Natasha didn’t turn back, going straight to her bedroom. Only once she was inside, on the floor, back against the bed, did she let herself breathe again.

Though apparently, her body didn’t want to breath, and would much rather have a panic attack.

“J, J… can… can you ask… Jan… up here…”

_ “She is on her way, as requested.” _

Natasha smiled, trying to get her breathing back under control before Jan appeared.

_ Easier said than done _ , Natasha thought as she heard the door to her bedroom open, and Jan was by her side.

“Nat? I’m here.”

Natasha looked up, feeling her breathing slowly get back under control. “Thanks. I hate to be a bother.”

“Never,” Jan reached out, putting her hands on Natasha’s shoulders. “You are  _ never  _ a bother to me.”

Natasha reached up, holding onto Jan’s hands. “I messed up. Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Okay, can you tell me about it?”

Natasha nodded, moving to sit up on the bed. Jan sat in front of her, a pose so reminiscent of many nights the two had shared in their lives.

“I…” Natasha began, before shaking her head. “It was something Bucky said, and it seems  _ stupid _ now, but in the moment, I couldn’t think, so I ran.”

“Okay,” Jan reached out, taking one of Natasha’s arms and beginning to massage it. “What did he say?”

“He asked me to watch a movie with him, on the couch. I said I’d probably fall asleep, he said that’s why it’d be the couch, so he could look after-” Natasha closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears.

Jan didn’t miss a beat, continuing to massage Natasha’s arm. She waited for Natasha to speak, which Natasha didn’t do until Jan had moved onto her other arm.

“He said ‘ _ gotta look after my girl _ ’, and I ran,” Natasha spat out, shaking her head. “See, I messed up. So much.” Natasha closed her eyes again, before continuing to speak. “I couldn’t.. I didn’t feel comfortable being referred to as a girl. But that’s what I am.” Natasha opened her eyes, looking at Jan. “Aren’t I?”

Jan, having finished her massage, took both of Natasha’s hands in her own. “That’s something only you can answer.”

Natasha nodded, blinking against the tears. “I think in female words.  _ Her head,  _ so on. But I’m not entirely comfortable with them, they don’t  _ feel  _ right to me.”

“Have you thought of yourself in male terms? Or gender neutral terms?”

Natasha shook her head. “No.”

“Is that something you might want to try?”

Natasha nodded, biting her-  _ no, his _ \- bottom lip. “I’m going to try it, yeah.”

“Okay,” Jan smiled, squeezing Natasha’s hands. “How do you want me to refer to you?”

Natasha blinked; he hadn’t even thought about that, not beyond Bucky’s reaction. “I… I don’t know?”

Jan nodded, moving a hand to push a stray strand of hair behind Natasha’s ear. “How about, I won’t use gendered pronouns around you. Until you tell me differently, and you are more than welcome to tell me differently  _ at any time you want _ .”

Natasha nodded, pulling Jan into a hug. “Thank you so much.”

“What are friends for?”

Natasha and Jan sat there in their hug for a minute before the Avengers alarm went off. 

Natasha sighed, pulling back and rubbing at his eyes. “Off to work.”

Jan nodded, shrinking down into her Wasp form. “See you out there, Iron Man.”


	6. "Public persona vs private truth"

The media had immediately assumed that the armour was piloted by a man, dubbing it ‘Iron Man’. And Natasha had been fine with that; the secret identity was nice sometimes.

The team knew the truth, of course. The persona of Iron Man was almost a completely different persona to them, nothing like their Natasha. 

And maybe that was part of it. Public persona vs private truth. Natasha had spent a lifetime walking that line, it was basically second nature at this stage.

_ But what happens when the private isn’t the truth anymore? _

Natasha shook his head as the helmet came off, trying to clear the thoughts in his head. It had been a simple mission; a fire at a shopping mall, possibly set by enemies of the Avengers. They had helped with evacuations, and determined that it was set by AIM, for whatever reason. Captain America had promised that they would be investigating it, reassuring the media that  _ ‘Our best minds are already running every possible lead in order to protect everyone’ _ .

Natasha hadn’t waited around, muttering an excuse about a faulty system that needed immediate attention back home. He didn’t even dare to look at Bucky’s face, sure to know the truth behind his words.

Finally out of the armour, Natasha pushed off the top of his flight suit, moving to make a post-mission protein shake. Watching the ingredients combine, he couldn’t help but think of everything and nothing. 

“J, load up those interviews everyone did last month, just the Iron Man bits please,” Natasha said, getting his smoothie and moving to the couch, curling his legs underneath him. “Play.”

It had been part of a special program:  _ The Avengers: who are they really? _

Of course, everyone had kept a lid on it, dishing out half truths to entertain people. Everyone had done it, of course. It was  _ good  _ publicity, even if it maybe hit a little close to home, especially now.

 

_ ‘Iron Man is a trusted member of our team. Without him, we wouldn’t operate nearly as well as we do. He provides technical analysis in the field, as well as an unparalleled presence in the sky. We couldn’t do our job without him.’ _

 

_ ‘Iron Man? He’s great. You know, just last week, we went out for burgers, just the two of us. Between you and me? The man knows his way to the best burgers in town.’ _

 

_ ‘Me and Iron Man? Hahaha, no, no. We’re like siblings, you see? No way I’d date Iron Man.’ _

 

_ ‘You know, I’ve always thought that Iron Man was the least appreciated of the Avengers. Sure, we all value his contributions, but sometimes it seems like people want him for his armour. People forget that there’s a  _ human  _ underneath the armour, just like the rest of us. That person is someone worth knowing.’ _

 

Natasha shook his head. Trust Bucky to say the truth, without even realising it.

“I was squinting the whole time; they had a light shining right in my eyes.”

Natasha didn’t jump, honestly. He very calmly turned his head to see Bucky leaning against the back of the couch, looking at the screen. He seemed to be watching the screen, but Natasha could see the way that bucky’s eyes were just low enough to actually be looking at Natasha. 

_ And he’d normally drop a kiss ot the top of her head in a situation like this. He knows something is wrong with you. _

Natasha waved the protein smoothie at the screen, ignoring his thoughts. “You can’t tell.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow, before jumping over the back of the couch. “Sure you can’t.”

It was such a reflex nowadays to lean into Bucky’s side whenever they were in close proximity, and Natasha did so now. It wasn’t different to yesterday; being by Bucky’s side was still the best place to be. 

“It’s not a movie, but it is a couch,” Bucky muttered, running a hand over Natasha’s shoulder.

Natasha nodded, head on Bucky’s shoulder. “That fire was quite strange, even by AIM standards. I have J running tests, but it’s evading us so far.”

“You’ll figure it out, you always do,” Bucky pressed a kiss to Natasha’s head, Natasha smiling at it. “Look, I don’t know what I did earlier to upset you, and I’m sorry. I never want to upset you.”

Natasha closed his eyes, willing the tears to stay away. He knew Bucky would ask about it, had hoped that Bucky wouldn’t. Because Natasha hadn’t had a chance to figure out what he was thinking, let alone how to explain it to Bucky. 

Natasha turned his head, kissing Bucky’s shoulder. “Don’t apologise.”

“I made you upset.”

“I know, trust me I know,” Natasha spoke against Bucky’s shoulder, unable to bring himself to look Bucky in the eyes. “But I can’t tell you  _ why _ . I’m still working on that part myself.”

“Is there anything I can do to avoid it in the future?” Natasha shook his head. Bucky squeezed Natasha’s shoulders. “Alright. How about that movie?”

Natasha nodded, turning his head to look at the screen. Bucky loaded up a film, Natasha wasn’t paying attention. Instead, he focused on Bucky, on how much he loved him. 

 


	7. Comfortable in your own skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Natasha spends some time considering the body in the mirror

Natasha had never had large breasts. Then Afghanistan happened, and she had had one forcibly removed. When she got back to America, it seemed logical to remove the other one as well.  _ Easier to do maintenance on the reactor,  _ Natasha had said at the time. 

Now, Natasha was wondering if that might have been a clue. 

Natasha had had bigger worries at that time, and the breasts had seemed like something that  _ could  _ be controlled, unlike a lot of other stuff that happened. 

But maybe the  _ lack  _ of a reaction should have served as an indication. 

Natasha ran a hand over his scars; first, over the left, the one removed in Afghanistan. The doctors back home had offered to “clean up” the scarring, but Natasha had refused. Spun a tale about not wanting to erase the past. 

The skin was still rough, and still had no feeling. Natasha traced each little line, watching in the mirror as he followed each to it’s finish, before starting again.

Then, he moved to the right. The scars here were barely noticeable, clearly performed by a talented surgeon with state of the art tools and experience. Not by a man with a saw. 

It didn’t take as long to trace over those scars, Natasha quickly moving to the scarring around the reactor.

It had saved his life more than it had put him at risk, and it was still Natasha’s proudest invention. Trying to replicate it, so more people could benefit, had proven impossible so far, but that didn’t mean Natasha would ever stop trying.

The skin around the reactor had spent a good year trying to reject it, Natasha eventually putting it down to a skin allergy. Nothing too drastic, but it made the entire region numb. The scars here were like those on the left, all jagged and twisted and nothing good to look at. 

 

_ The first time Bucky had seen them, he had kissed them.  _

 

~

 

They didn’t see each other topless until they had been dating for eight months. Both had enough issues surrounding their torsos, and neither had a driving need to  _ see _ .

And then Bucky had come into her room after a mission, jacket open, left shoulder tense.

Natasha had been lying on her bed, going over her schedule for the next day, dressed in shorts and a tank top. She hadn’t been expecting to see anyone, knowing that the team were either on mission, or out for the night. 

Then JARVIS had told her that Bucky was asking for permission to see her. She had agreed immediately, sitting up on the edge of the bed waiting for him. 

After entering the room, Bucky had held out a jar of cream to Natasha, sitting on the bed beside her. “Would you help me?”

Natasha had taken the cream in one hand, waiting as Bucky took off his jacket, dropping it to the floor. As soon as the jacket was off, Natasha noticed it immediately.

The skin all around the arm was inflamed, red and raw and altogether looking  _ miserable _ .

“Is there a special technique?” Natasha had asked, opening the cream and reaching into it.

Bucky shook his head, hanging low below his shoulders. “Just… everywhere, you know?”

Natasha leant forward, pressing a kiss to the base of Bucky’s neck. One particular scar ran up to there, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Natasha froze as Bucky tensed up, waiting for a response. 

Bucky exhaled, shoulders relaxing minutely. “That… thank you.”

Natasha leant forward, leaning her forehead against Bucky’s right shoulder for a moment, closing her eyes.

“Tell me if I need to stop,” she spoke against his skin.

He reached back, putting a hand on her waist and squeezing, before letting go. “I will.”

Natasha pressed a kiss there, opening her eyes and moving back to the left. She took out some cream, and moved to the top of Bucky’s shoulder. She felt him tense up at the contact, before she began massaging the cream into the skin. As she moved across his skin, he relaxed more, breath evening out. 

“Do you want me to do the front?”

Bucky nodded. “It might be easier if you come and stand in front of me.”

Natasha nodded, picking up the cream and getting off of the bed. Bucky lifted his head as Natasha came and stood between his legs, and he looked up and offered her a weak smile. 

“Hi there.”

Natasha smiled, bending down to kiss Bucky’s forehead. “If my hands weren’t covered in this cream, i’d be running one through your hair right now.”

Bucky nodded, holding out his hand. “I can hold the jar for you.”

Natasha handed over the jar, before starting to work on Bucky’s chest. They didn’t look at each other; Natasha focused on her movements, Bucky looked down at the jar. In a way, this was the most intimate they had ever been with each other. There was a level of trust involved with letting someone see you at your weakest.

When she had finished, Natasha turned her head, kissing Bucky’s cheek. “All done,” she spoke against his cheek; he was still looking down. “I’m going to go wash my hands, but I’ll be right back, okay?”

Bucky nodded, and Natasha left.

When she came back, Bucky had put the jar of cream onto her bedside table, and had hung his jacket on the back of a chair. 

He looked up, and gave Natasha a much more honest smile. “Thank you.”

She walked over quickly, sitting down on his right side and leaning into him. He immediately put an arm around her shoulders, dropping a kiss onto her head.

“I actually don’t know how to say how much I appreciate this,” Bucky said, holding onto Natasha tighter. “I think I worked it up in my head into being a much bigger issue than it was. Then I wasn’t doing it myself, so the skin got worse.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, least of all to me.”

“I know, but I wanted to.”

Natasha nodded, turning her head to look up at Bucky. He looked down at her, and in an instant she knew what she was going to do. She pushed at Bucky’s arm, ducking out from under it.

“I’m going to take my top off,” Natasha said, sitting up on her knees on the bed. 

Bucky turned to look at her, expression understandably confused. “Okay?”

Natasha reached out, putting her hand on Bucky’s neck briefly. “I have some scars of my own. I want you to see them.”

Bucky reached up to hold Natasha’s hand. “Only if you want to.”

Natasha nodded, squeezing Bucky’s hand before letting go. “I want to.”

Natasha reached down, taking hold of the bottom of her tank top. “I… not many people know about them. Jan, Pep, Rhodey. Now you will.”

“I join fine company then.”

Natasha nodded, pulling her tank top off and watching Bucky’s face for any reaction. 

His eyes moved as he took it all in. Natasha knew it wasn’t pretty, and wouldn’t have blamed Bucky for having to look away. But he stayed there, tracing every line with his eyes.

“I heard the stories,” he eventually said, looking up at Natasha. “Knew that to get the arc reactor in there would not have been a pleasant time. I guess I never considered it being this…”

“Horrible?” Natasha suggested, when Bucky fell silent.

Bucky shook his head immediately. “It’s not horrible Natasha. It’s part of you, part of your life’s story. They’re as much a part of you as my scars are a part of me.” He held up a hand between them, hovering in the space. “May I?”

Natasha looked down at the hand, before looking up at Bucky. “You may.”

Bucky nodded, moving forward so that he could trace a finger over the scars, following their trails over Natasha’s chest.

“I can’t feel any of it,” she admitted, watching Bucky’s face illuminated by his proximity to the arc reactor. 

“No feeling at all?”

Natasha shook her head. 

“Shame. I was going to ask if I could kiss them.”

Natasha stared at Bucky. “You want to kiss my scars?” Bucky nodded. Natasha thought for a moment, before nodding. “Might as well try.”

Bucky moved his hand to Natasha’s waist, leaning forward to kiss the largest intersection of scarring, on her left side. What she had said was true; she gained no physical feeling from Bucky kissing her. 

Emotionally though? She cried. 

Bucky looked up, sitting up and reaching out to wipe away the tears. “Did I do something wrong?”

Natasha shook her head, a laugh escaping her lips. “Tears of joy, I’m afraid. But I don’t know why? I’ve never particularly looked at them one way or another, and here you are worshipping them.”

“I wouldn’t say worshipping,” Bucky said, trailing a hand down to trace the lines again. “But you don’t have to explain yourself to me. So long as you let me know when I mess up.”

“Of course.”

“Anytime. No matter how small you think it is, I want you to tell me straight away, and I will do everything in my power to fix it.”

Natasha could feel the tears coming again, so she pulled Bucky forward into another kiss before he could see them fall.

  
  


~

 

Since that first time, the pair of them had spent many nights together topless, working their insecurities out together. 

The scars were a part of them both. Their story.

Bucky had been an important part of Natasha’s life for quite some time now, and yet Natasha couldn’t bring himself to talk to Bucky about any of what was really bothering him.

_ He’s been a part of your story for so long, you’re scared he won’t be part of the conclusion. _

Natasha shook his head, focusing back on his body. The whole point of this little experiment. 

Did he feel comfortable in his body?

_ Do I?  _ Natasha thought as he moved his attention to his shoulders. Years of lifting in the lab had meant Natasha’s body had never been lithe; the media had had  _ a lot  _ to say about just how “not feminine” Natasha Stark was. 

Natasha looked at the mirror again, hands on either side of his hips. 


	8. "And I'm afraid"

“I don’t want to be Natasha anymore,” he said, staring at the mirror. He became more confident as he continued to look at himself.  “I’m not Natasha.”

“Alright. Who are you?”

He frowned at this, turning to look at Jan. “I don’t know, I’m just not Natasha.”

“Okay, may I make a suggestion?” When he nodded, Jan nodded back. “Anthony.”

He turned back to the mirror, looking at himself. “Anthony,” he said, testing the word in his mouth. Tilting his head this way and that, looking at the angles. 

“Anthony,” he said, nodding at his reflection. “Hello, my name is Anthony.”

He turned to Jan, holding out a hand. “I know you want to hug me, go on.”

Jan moved as fast as lightning, throwing her arms around Anthony’s shoulders. 

“Hello Anthony, it’s nice to meet you.”

Anthony laughed into Jan’s shoulders, squeezing tighter. “Nice to be met.”

 

~

“What do you think?”

_ What do I think?  _ Anthony thought to himself, looking at himself in the mirror. Jan had done an excellent job, she always did. Anthony hardly recognised himself, straightening the glasses.

“I don’t recognise myself,” Anthony smiled at Jan. “Thank you. You look amazing.”

“This little thing?” Jan twirled around, her mini skirt waving in the air as she did. “This is nothing, threw it together. You sure about this?”

Anthony blew out a breath, looking back to the mirror. This was his first attempt at leaving the mansion, as  _ Anthony _ . 

Anthony nodded at himself in the mirror, turning to smile at Jan. “Let’s go.”

 

~

 

It was fun, in a way that Anthony had not been expecting.

People’s eyes were drawn to Jan- they always were, that was part of Jan’s charm. People looked at Anthony, but no one recognised him. 

Jan introduced him to people- “ _ This is Anthony, he’s my friend. I’m showing him around. _ ” People smiled at him, offering a hand, sometimes offering a drink. He’d collected five numbers, which was a nice compliment. 

Jan had even dragged him onto the dancefloor, and he had forgotten about everything- he just danced with his oldest friend.

“So?” Jan asked as they walked out of the club arm in arm, enjoying the night air.

Anthony closed his eyes, lifting his head to the sky. “I don’t like clubbing, you know that.”

“That’s why we weren’t at a club. We were  _ dancing _ .”

Anthony smiled, opening his eyes and looking at Jan. “And it was fun.”

“And?”

“And I felt like myself.” Anthony breathed out, leaning into Jan’s embrace. “ _ Myself _ Jan, I’d forgotten what that was.”

Jan leant up, kissing Anthony’s cheek. “I’m so happy for you.”

“So am I,” Anthony sighed, watching the footpath. “But this is only the beginning.”

_ And I’m afraid. _


	9. Terrifying

He hadn’t figured out how he wanted to tell the team, so he didn’t. Around the team, he answered to Natasha, or Nat. Iron Man, out in the field; and that armour now seemed to fit just that little bit better now.

Bucky knew something was different, and Anthony could hear it in his word choices. He avoided the word girl, didn’t use Natasha. 

And yet, Anthony could not bring himself to tell Bucky. Didn’t even know how to begin to broach the subject. 

“Hey Bucky, we’ve been dating for five years now. Guess what? I’m not a woman.”

Anthony stared at his reflection, wishing it could give him advice. 

“You’re right, that’s terrible.” Anthony raised an eyebrow at his reflection. “Well?”

As usual, his reflection had nothing to add

 

~

 

It was terrifying. Each day Anthony got dressed and went to interact with the team, knowing that the person they were seeing  _ wasn’t  _ him. They were seeing someone who just wasn’t him anymore. 

And the idea of talking to the team about this was  _ terrifying _ , more terrifying than not talking to them. Yes, it upset him that people weren’t seeing the real him; but the idea of talking it through? 

_ Terrifying. _

“Am I overusing the word?” Anthony mused as he ran calculations for the armour, flying through the skies on the edges of New York. 

“What word is that?”

Anthony smiled, rolling in the sky. “Terrifying, J. The word is terrifying.”

“I have not heard you use the word.”

“Yeah, because I’m using it in my head.”

“If I may, what is terrifying?”

“I suppose it’d make sense to talk to you,” Anthony muttered, watching the ground beneath him for a moment. “I’m trans.”

There was a pause, Anthony knowing that Jarvis was looking for information. 

“I see,” Jarvis said. “How do you wish for me to refer to you?”

If he could, Anthony would wipe at his eyes, knowing that there were tears there. “J, I love you.”

“A fact that you have expressed on multiple occasions.”

“Yeah,” Anthony paused, blowing out a breath. “Anthony, is how I’ve been referring to myself in my head.”

“But not around the team.”

“You noticed that?”

“Of course. I shall refer to you as Anthony when appropriate.” Jarvis paused again, before continuing. “Would ‘sir’ be an appropriate form of address?”

Anthony considered this, still wishing he could wipe at his eyes. “That’d be perfect, J. Thank you.”

“My pleasure, sir.”

 


	10. "Neither willing to let go"

Anthony put the plans into motion a month in advance. A two month vacation, desperately needed. After all, he hadn’t taken a vacation day since he was seventeen, he was probably entitled to some.

Of course, he had put off the most important part until last. For obvious reasons. 

Because this was going to  _ hurt _ . Quite possibly, it would be the end of the best relationship he had ever had. 

But Bucky should hear it from him, not some rumour.

Bucky was on time, as always. He walked onto the floor, going straight to the couch.

Anthony was sitting on it, in one of Bucky’s jumpers. Bucky gestured to the couch.

“May I?”

Anthony nodded, watching as Bucky sat down next to him, crossing his legs under him. 

“You’re probably wondering why I asked you up here.”

“Something to do with the two month vacation that you’re about to go on?”

Anthony nodded, pushing the sleeves of the jumper up past his elbows. “It’s not a vacation exactly. No, not at all a vacation. I’m going to go and become who I am.”

Bucky looked confused. “Who you are? Natasha-”

Anthony reached out to take Bucky’s hand, stopping him. Anthony brought the hand up to his lips, pressing a kiss to them. “I’m not Natasha. Haven’t been for a while now.”

“I don’t understand.”

Anthony shook his head, lowering their hands but not letting go. “I wouldn’t expect you to. The simple explanation is, I am male. Anthony, is my name now. I’m going away to become Anthony.”

Bucky was silent, looking at Anthony’s face. 

“Any thoughts at all?”

“This is why you’ve been distant, isn’t it.”

Not a question, and what Anthony expected. He nodded. “Yes. It wasn’t fair on you, I know. I didn’t know how to speak my thoughts, and didn’t want to burden you.”

“Burden me?” Bucky shook his head. “It wouldn’t have been a burden. I  _ love  _ you, you know that. I-” Bucky cut himself off, eyes widening. “Every time I referred to you as a female, it made you uncomfortable, didn’t it?”

Anthony nodded. Bucky blew out a breath, running his free hand through his hair. 

“I feel like the biggest asshole right now.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know.” Bucky stopped, closing his eyes. “I couldn’t have known any differently. And that is hurting me, knowing that I hurt you like this. For so many months. I…” Bucky shook his head, falling silent.

Anthony wasn’t sure how long they sat there in silence, Anthony holding onto Bucky’s hand. He could feel the tears threatening, but they didn’t fall.

“I don’t know what to do,” Bucky eventually said, an unknown amount of time later. “I… I love you, that isn’t going to change. But…”

“But you need time to sort yourself out?” Anthony asked; at Bucky’s raised eyebrow, Anthony shrugged. “I’ve had my time to sort myself out, your turn.”

Bucky nodded, biting his lip. “Can I hug you?”

Anthony nodded, rushing forward to hug Bucky. They held onto each other, neither willing to let go.

 


	11. Time passes without being felt

Bucky watched the car go from the balcony of the mansion, watched it zoom away between the buildings. 

How long did he stand out there? He wouldn’t be able to tell you. Nothing went through his head, nothing registered in his vision. He just stood there, feeling nothing.

Until he felt someone lean against the railing beside him. “Thought I’d find you out here.”

Bucky turned his head, looking at Jan. “You know?”

Jan nodded, moving closer to Bucky. “I’ve known them forever Bucky.”

“I’m not jealous.”

“I know you’re not, you’re just unsure what to think.”

Bucky nodded, turning back to look out at the city around them. “I fell in love with Natasha Stark.”

“And you’re not sure if you’re in love with Anthony Stark.” Jan nodded, before continuing. “They’re the same person, just more comfortable in his own skin now.”

“Yeah,” Bucky breathed out, turning to face Jan. “I told him I still love him, that was the truth.”

“You told him?”

“Yeah. Does he feel the same?”

Jan leant on Bucky’s shoulder, rubbing his arm. “Yes, he feels the same.”


	12. Happy

 

Anthony didn’t expect any visitors, so hearing the doorbell was surprising to say the least.

And he never expected to see Bucky standing outside his home.

“I know I should have called ahead, definitely. But I had to see you, and I know it sounds terribly selfish, but I wanted to remind you that I love you, and don’t want you to be alone, and-”

Anthony cut him off by pulling Bucky into the house by his shirt, closing the door, pushing Bucky against the door, and kissing him. 

“I missed you too,” Anthony said, watching Bucky’s face for any reaction to his new voice.

Bucky breathed out, watching Anthony’s face. “Your voice is different.”

“You like it?”

“Yes.”

Anthony gave Bucky another kiss. “Good. We should probably move away from the door.”

“Probably,” Bucky agreed, not making any move to move. Anthony shook his head, smiling as he took Bucky’s hand, leading him into the house properly. “I uh, don’t know the etiquette for this. Do I ask how it’s going, or...?” Bucky trailed off, not knowing what to say.

“Do you want some water?” Anthony asked, pointing Bucky to sit at the bar stool. Bucky nodded, and Anthony got them both some water. Anthony came and sat beside Bucky, pushing at his glass of water. “I’m happy with my transition, yeah. It’s been a journey, and I’m glad to be on it. But it’s  _ exhausting  _ sometimes.”

“Yeah?”

Anthony nodded. “Yesterday, I lay in bed and didn’t leave for five hours. I got stuff done, don’t worry. I just had no energy to move out of the bed.”

“But you’re happy.”

“Yes.”

Anthony was surprised to find that he  _meant_ it; though, in a way, he wasn't surprised at all.


	13. "you've got this, Mr Stark"

“Anthony.”

Tony opened his eyes, looking up at Bucky. Bucky was bending down in front of him, waiting for a response.

“Bucky,” Tony laughed at the sound of his voice, shaking his head. “I sound like I’m crying.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

Tony closed his eyes, before nodding. “I’m crying because I can’t do up six buttons. It’s ridiculous.”

“Open your eyes?” when Tony did, Bucky held out his hands. “Can I give you a hug?”

Tony nodded, standing up and holding his arms out. Bucky stood up, wrapping Tony in a hug. 

“You’re allowed to cry,” Bucky whispered against his head, rubbing Tony’s back. “Don’t feel bad about crying.”

Tony nodded against Bucky’s chest, still struggling against the tears. “I know.”

“Would you like me to help you?”

Tony considered that for a moment, before pulling back from Bucky. He looked up at Bucky, shaking his head slightly.

“I’m… I’m going to try again.” Tony took a deep breath, looking down to do up the top button.  Even with the tears in his eyes, he managed to get it done. “One down, five to go.”

Tony looked up to see Bucky smiling at him. “You did it.”

“Yeah, and I’m going to finish the job,” Tony looked back down, doing up the buttons before he could stop himself. “Ta da.”

“Looking mighty fine, though I might be a bit biased.”

Tony smiled, looking at Bucky with what he was sure was a love filled expression. “You think?”

Bucky nodded, reaching out to touch Tony’s cheek. When he didn’t pull away, Bucky stepped forward, pressing a kiss to Tony’s lips.

“You’re going to be amazing, and I’ll be right there, watching you from the side.”

Tony reached up, putting his hand over Bucky’s. “How about by my side?”

“You sure?”

Tony nodded. “No one I’d rather have. If you’re okay with it.”

“Of course,” Bucky nodded, letting go of Tony’s cheek and taking hold of his hand. 

Tony squeezed Bucky’s hand, wiping at his eyes one last time. “Lead on, Mr Barnes.”

Bucky smiled, beginning to walk out of Tony’s room and to the elevator.

As they waited for the elevator, Tony knew that his thoughts would overwhelm him if he let them. So he focused on the moment, on Bucky next to him. 

“A kiss for luck?”

Bucky smiled, leaning down to kiss Tony.

“You’ve got this,” Bucky spoke against Tony’s lips, looking into his eyes. And his next words brought a smile to Tony’s face that he thought would never leave. “You’ve got this, Mr Stark.”

  
  



	14. Art!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by Beir.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading


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